How to become a tree

Be sure you dig your legs as deep into the ground as you can.
Find an isolated location with plenty of sunshine so you dont have to compete with your neighbours and avoid unhealthy body rubs.
If you decide to locate yourself in a garden, try not to be in the major parks in Paris where the gardeners will trim your hair without your consent to make you appear square/toot.
When winter comes and you start to bald, do not be despaired.
Some people may gather around to play with your fallen strands.
Try your best to ignore them and go to sleep.
This will be the toughest moment of your life as they seem to be gloating over your lost. Do your best not to become depressed.
Sleep is very important when it is cold. Just keep your focus on that.
A few months later your hair will grow back. If you were lucky to live out of the parks , you will get to keep them the way you want.